Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Commoners Guide to Understanding a Nonsensical Southern Woman

Terms Of Endearment…
Not Always So…

So over the past several years I have had many people approach me (i.e. boyfriends (all two of them), coworkers, casual acquaintances, etc.) and ask me what the deal was with my seemingly non-specific terms of endearment. I would generally assure them that they are VERY specific, and explain the ones only relating to them, and the other people they asked about. However recently someone approached me about them all… at the time my response was “I’ll have to get back to you on that”. So here it is, I’m getting back to them; and everyone else that may ever wonder, here you go; an almost complete breakdown. A few of them are actual classifications of some sort, I have assessed and labeled you and you don’t even know it! But some are more just situational responses.

1. Darling: pronounced Dar-lin’
I generally use this one for one of three reasons.

A. Congratulations, I have now included you in my circle of friends. Forget me ever calling you anything else (unless I come up with a nickname for you i.e. Booga Boo or Chocolate Thunder) you will now and forever just be known as darling.

B. I actually forgot your name and I am really hoping you think I’m calling you darling because of “A.”

C. Also, in the work environment (even though I shouldn’t) I try to use darling a lot to make people feel more comfortable bringing problems or requests to me. So if you ever work with me, you will get that a lot. Just trying to help people relax a little.

For Example:
Human: “Hey Monica… Somebody broke the toilet, it’s not flushing… and I wasn’t sure who to bring it up too…”
Me: “That’s fine darlin’ I’ll go take a look at it.”

2. Sweet heart:
This one is the same as Darling just leveled up a little. Clauses “A” and “B” for darling both apply here with the exception of an extra.

A. Willful Submission. I will also use sweetheart in the situation where a request has been brought up to me, and I am happy to oblige.

For Example:
Grant: “Hey Monica, do you mind running across the street and picking up a loaf of Bread for me?”
Me: “Sure thing sweetheart”

If I don’t say Sweetheart after or reply with something like “Roger that”. I will still do it, I would just prefer not to.

Side Note: If you are a boy, you have a girlfriend, and I know the girlfriend; I will probably refrain from calling you either of those two phrases in attempt to avoid a possible “cat fight” in the future. Those are not my idea of a great way to spend a Friday night.

3. Shug: Derivative of sugar; Pronounced Shoo-g
Only a select few get labeled as this. They are generally my “favorite” people. Mostly people that completely fascinate me, or emanate some sort of extremely happy quality not found in the people around them that I adore. Off the top of my head I can only think of 3 or 4 people I call shug.

4. Shuga Babe: Derivative of Sugar Babe, Pronounced as one word Shoo-Ga-Bay- b
Mostly this one is for animals or babies. I will only use it on an adult human if they do something that makes me think of that Johnny Cash song.
“Chattanooga’s a fine old town shuga babe...”

5. Sweetie/ Sweetie Pie:
Now we are getting more into the situational terms. This one I almost never use, unless I am trying to calm some one down for some reason or another. So if you hear me say this one, take a deep breath and shut up.

6. Honey Child:
Another situational term, used when my blood pressure rises, could be for a number of reasons listed below.

A. Congratulations you successfully made me angry. Using Honey child is a form of passive aggression in my statements of rage, to let both you and I know that I still love you, just don’t do that again.

For Example:
Me: “I don’t care what Krystal told you! Under no circumstances Honey Child, should you EVER touch my peanut butter sandwich!!”

B. Some times I will use honey child when I am getting frustrated from someone not understanding what I am trying to say. Whether it is because they can’t or won’t understand me.

For Example:
Krystal: “Soooooooo… you can’t dance because you’re Mormon?”
Me: “For the last time, I am not Mormon, I have never been Mormon, and for the love of the dear sweet Lord God almighty, Honey child, I will NEVER be Mormon!!!"

C. Another instance would be if someone has done something that got me so excited I am about to explode, in which case I combine everyone of these loving expressions and compile them into a sentence that doesn’t always make sense.

For Example:
Ranko: “Sure I could burn you a copy of the Eva Rebuild Movie”
Me: “Oh shug… you just… darlin your gonna… your just a swee…Oh I could kiss you right now Honey child."

7. Pumpkin/ Dumplin’/ Puddin’:
I threw all these together; 1. Because I’m lazy, and 2. Because they are all situational, and are used in the same situation. If you ever hear me say one of these, it is because I am trying to degrade you and make fun of you.

For Example:
Me: “Oh it’s alright dumplin, I’m sure usually you’re a real pro, your just having a bad day right?… That’s the only reason I’m wiping the floor with you…”

8. Puddin’ Pop:
Saved this one for last, because most people never catch it. This one is strictly situational, only for use when I am making fun of someone to myself, and unless you catch me use it, you will never know I was just making fun of you.

So there you have it, an almost complete break down of my insanity. If you have any complaints please keep them to yourself honey child...

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