Deep Fried Conspiracy: August 2009

Sorry I know it has been a while but I have been a little busy with a side project... that and I was too lazy to draw anything. So I started writing a story.... about what you ask?

Why Zombies of course... do I know anything else?

Here a little taste for my fans.... Mom... Jenn... Joe.... Kat.... I have the biggest fan base ever!!!

Here it could be the first few pages.... and then again i could change my mind, I am quite fond of being a fickle pickle. Keep in mind that absolutely none of this is permanent.... especially the names...(I find that it helps if you read it with with a Welsh accent)

It was a hot and dry day, one of the hottest all summer. And they were stuck here, in the bushes, hiding from the hoard of the undead that searched for them at a very slow succession. Commander Codi didn't like hiding, she didn't like playing the coward. But with just her and one soldier left out of the whole US militia, there wasn't much else to do. "How did we get here?" she thought to her self "What did we do wrong?"

"I see one!" Said Private First Class Kincaid. Although at this point titles didn't matter we might as well call him Mr. President.

"Where?" Responded the Commander.

"Over there, 3 O'clock!" said Mr. President.

"Military time soldier!"

"Oh.... Uh 1500 hours" replied Mr. President.

"OK, so three o'clock"

Mr. President rolls his eyes, as the Commander looks at her watch finds three o'clock. Then with out looking at what is out there just rolls out of the bushes, and with 3 effective shots neutralizes the situation. Satisfied in her victory she turns around to give Mr. President the "OK" but when she does she sees one right behind him. "Idiot!" she thinks to her self, then pulls her gun back out of its holster for another go.

"Behind you!" shouts the Commander.

But before Mr. President even has a chance to turn around it is too late. The Commander, with out hesitation, shoots the both of them. It is just her now...

"Why did you shoot me?" Mr. President asks as he lay there dying.

"Because you will turn too, now say good night."

"Wait! I thought we were fighting aliens?" asked Mr. President.

"Were we? Oh yeah, remember it started out as aliens then they all died and they all farted and their gas made zombies."

"Codi!" scolded Mr. President for such rude conversation in front of him.

"It's true! Now you have to die"

"OK"

The commander pulls out her gun again and shoots Mr. President right between the eyes. Then holds her gun to the sun to see how much ammo is left, just enough for one more shot. She looks around to see the mass of famished zombies approaching. For the last time she holds her gun up to shoot.

"Your not going to make a monster out of me! Good bye world."

"BANG!" And with that shot the once great commander falls to the ground.

Then there was silence.

Then there was a knock at the gate.

"Um, excuse me, don't mean to interrupt... what ever it was that you were doing. But I was wondering if you would like to buy some girl scout cookies?" Said the girl in pig tails.

"Nope" Replied the Commander.

"But all of the proceeds go to..." Pig tail girl.

"Nope"

"Codi, don't be rude" Scolded Mr. President.

"Fine" The commander gets up, the blood still gushing from her death wound, climbs over Mr. President's dead body and pulls $5 out of his pocket. Then hands it to the pig tailed girl "Give me them peanut butter ones."

"No, get the thin mints, they are better!" Requested Mr. President.

"You are dead, no cookies for you!"

"Right" Mr. President says as he lays back to his death bed.

"Thank you and have a good day" says the pig tail girl, who mutters some stuff under her breath as she walks away, that Codi could not make out.

"Must be plotting something..." then Codi picks her gun up and points it at the girl as she goes over to the next house.

"Codi! Don't shoot innocent civilians!"

"But she isn't an incense civilian! I think she is an alien, plotting their revenge for us making them all fart. I should have these space cookies sent to the lab to be exlamener... exhuma.... looked at."

Codi throws the cookie box to the side and she continues to carefully watch the girl with pig tails as she rings the door bell to her neighbor's house. She waits for a minute then he comes up from the side yard. Moving pretty slowly. "He must have already ate some of the cookies." thought Codi, then she notices his hand is wrapped up.

"Hey daddy, I mean soldier."

"I thought I was the president?"

"What? no, I'm the president" replied Codi.

"But your the commander"

"yeah but isn't the president like the commander of the world?"

"Got me there... what did you want Ms. World President?" said the now demoted private first class Kincaid.* (*In his head he was already preparing his speech "Well it was a good run, but I feel I better fulfill my duties as a private first class officer soldier dude, what ever it is they do.")

"What happened to Mr. Seven, next door, his hand is all wrapped up?" asked the newly promoted World president.* (*who was as well already preparing her speech "It is a great honor being elected world president, and I promise while I am in office no home will have to go with out a puppy.")

"I don't know what happened to Mr. SVEN* (he always tries to pronounce his name loud and clear so she will understand that she keeps saying it wrong, although it has been three years now and no luck), maybe he hurt it in his garden, you know how clumsy he is." answered the private first class soldier dude.

"Ha ha yeah, Hey Mr Seven!"

"Oh, Hi there Codi"

"Don't eat those cookies till I get the lab results back"

"Ok, I won't, you keep me posted alright soldier?"

"Aye eye captain!" Responded Codi.

"Now why is he of higher rank than you?"

"Cause he is the Captain, and everyone has to listen to their captain, president or not."

"How do you always manage to make sense?" replied private first class soldier dude aka: Daddy

"Cause I am the World President Queen Lady of the world, you gotta, it is part of the job. Hey Mr. Seven! What happened to your hand?" questioned the world president queen lady of the world.* (*She is the world president queen lady of the world that cares.)

"Oh it is nothing deerie, you go on back to playing, I am feeling a little under the weather so I am going to go back inside and get some rest." Answered Captain Sven, aka: agent Mr. Seven* (*three years ago Agent Codi Wolffalconravenbloodclaw put him in charge of homeland securities, protecting the neighborhood from ninjas and vampires. It was a mission of the utmost secrecy, and only the two of them were to know of it. She couldn't even tell her dad otherwise she would have had to kill him with jelly beans!** (** for those of you who don't know Project Jelly Bean is the absolute worse punishment a spy secret agent man can receive. To even mention what it involved would mean that I would have to be killed by it, so my lips are sealed))

"Ok, now where were we?" the world president queen lady of the world turns around to continue the good fight. However her private first class soldier dude was no where to be found.

"Huh, hey! Where did you go?"

Just then the reanimated corpse of P.F.C.S.D. aka: Daddy jumped out from behind her and picked her up and started to attack. There was nothing she could do but accept her fate. "Goodbye cruel world, goodbye ice cream Sundays, good bye Saturday morning cartoons... uh ahhhhhh" And then there was darkness. Well until she opened her eyes again.

"Alright baby, I'm going to go in and start dinner, you hold down the fort till it's ready. ok?" P.F.C.S.D. aka: Daddy

"I accept your mission, sir" W.P.Q.L. of the world.

The World President Queen Lady of the World, dutifully marches back and forth across the front yard like a soldier guarding her fortress, as the Private First Class Soldier Dude goes to the kitchen to start cooking a grand feast. Lovingly watching his spawn from the window in the kitchen, he opens up the cabinet only to realize that the grand feast tonight will have to be beanie weenies.... again. It has been 2 months since he lost his job at the music store for arguing with a costumer what it means to be a Doors fan. Brent wasn't sure how much longer he and Codi could survive on beans and ramen. If only his band , Deep Fried Conspiracy*, could actually get a decent paying gig. (* No accusations to the Fast Food industry, with out them no one would survive college.)

The World President Queen Lady of the world runs back inside, and grabs a chair to pull over to the sink.

"About done?" Brent

"No, just refueling" Codi says as she turns the faucet on and pours water into her gun "Mr. Seven wants to play now, I guess he feels better. And he is a lot better than you daddy, but he can't seem to get past the gate. I don't think it is locked, but can I get the key just in case?"

"Yeah sure, it's hanging up by the door... just remember to lock it back before you come in to eat."

"K!" and with that, she was gone like lightning.

Brent looks outside to see if Mr. Sven was really that much better at pretending than he was. He could barely see him over the 5 ft. fence, but Codi was right he was pretty impressive. Brent never thought the old fart had it in him. But Codi has a way of bringing out the crazy in people * (* if you don't believe me ask Mrs. Lippy, Codi's 3rd grade teacher. After Codi those nice men in clean white coats had to escort her away from Ville De La Mort for a while)

Brent watches as Mr. Sven just keeps walking into the wall as if he doesn't even see it, then when Codi comes out, Mr. Sven gets very excited and starts slamming against the door more violently. Codi squirts him a few times with her gun "Get back now!" something about Mr. Sven gave Codi the creeps.

"Ok, Mr. Seven, I think it is time for me to eat now, so we are gonna have to play later."

"AUGGGGHHHH!!" Mr. Sven

Brent comes out, and stands between Codi and Mr. Sven.

"Alright Mr. Sven, Codi and I are gonna go eat, thanks for watching her while I was cooking... You know the whole 5 minutes it takes to microwave beans, but thanks anyway. We will talk to you later"

"Daddy, I don't think he's playing"

"Don't be silly Codi" Brent looks at Mr. Sven who is starting to get more violent with his attempts to walk through their gate "Baby, go inside and lock the door"

"But Daddy"

"Codi, go"

Codi runs inside, and locks the door. Then grabs the same chair from earlier and sets it near the kitchen widow so she can watch her father.

"Mr. Sven, listen I think it is great that you are getting into the spirit of Codi and my games. But we have to go inside now, and if you don't go back home... I'm... I'm gonna have to call the cops. Now I'm going in... and if your still here when I get to the door I'm gonna have to report you. Don't make me do this Mr. Sv..."

Just then the most horrid sound busted through the silence of their nowhere town. At first you think it is a siren, or a dying cat, but that is just your subconscious lying to you because no one wants to really admit what it is. No one wants to hear this, the sound of a woman.... screaming that is. Mr. Sven, Codi, and Brent's attention are all pulled away from their current focus to half naked wounded woman attempting to run through the street, running away from the three children who seem to think catching up to her is the most important thing in the world right now.* (* I don't think anyone told them that Power Rangers was on TV right now)

Codi yells from the window "That's Tommy's mom, Mrs. Wilson! Daddy why is she running around in her bathrobe?" Mr. Sven forgets that Brent is even there and runs to join the children in their fun.

"Ok, daddy I think Mr. Sven is gonna tell her she is in her bathrobe.Oh Mr. Seven caught her… Daddy why is she trying to run away?" Codi gasps so loud it could have woke up the dead* (*or atleast they heard it. Mr. Sven did look back in her direction for a second) Daddy! Why is he... he's?!!! Daddy you gotta go get her!! Daddy! He’s eating her!! DADDY!! DADDY! DADDY!"

Brent wanted to help the poor woman, he wanted to run to her rescue... but he found that his legs were taking him backwards. He wasn't even thinking they were just acting on their own. And as he approached his house, he tripped over the stairs. It was odd, he had lived in that house for 7 years... but for that moment right there as he watched those children catch the woman, he forgot his house had three steps up to the porch. As he watched them tear into her flesh as if she were some sort of gummy woman that you get for Halloween, he forgot that there was even a house behind him. Then he hit the ground.

"Daddy" Codi whimpered through the mail slot.

And it was if someone had thrown a bucket of ice cold water on him, he was back to reality. He sprung up and tried to open the door.

"Codi, let me in"

Codi unlocked the door, Brent ran right past her and closed all the windows. Then locked the doors, he swiftly looked for anything that could be used to barricade them in. All the while he was running back and forth across the house Codi just stood in the center of the living room clenching her fists against her mouth, trying to stop her lips from quivering. She wanted so bad to get her dad's attention, to ask him what was happening, to ask him if everything was going to be alright, to let him wrap his arms around her and tell her this was all one of his games. But her lips wouldn't stop shaking long enough to let her form any words. And she just kept standing there, whimpering like a puppy.

It wasn't until Brent almost slipped on the puddle in their living room that he realized her squirt gun didn't have a leak. Brent collapsed to his knees, Codi was his rock, and to see her standing there in her pool of fear. His world just collapsed* (* not literally, that would take a warlock, a number 2 pencil, and a whole lot of spam) and all he could do was hold her and cry, but Codi still couldn't move.

"I'm so sorry baby, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I was just trying to make sure you were safe, I don't want... I won't let anything happen to you ok, baby. As long as I'm here nothing will ever touch you, nothing will ever hurt you. No one will ever get near you."

".... you promise?..."

"I promise baby girl, I will fight for you till the day I die, nothing could ever keep me from you.* (* that's a lie, Ragnarok could keep him from her) Now I gotta keep working, is it alright if I leave you here on the couch while I finish... then we can clean you up and put you in some new clothes"

"........ ok"

Brent picks Codi up, sets her down on the couch and kisses her forehead. She just stares at the front door, stares and listens to the moans out side.

"Daddy"

"Yeah baby girl?"

"I don't wanna play anymore"

Brent pauses "You know I never thanked you for saving my life" Codi looks up at him in confusion.

"It was obviously the girl scout cookies"

Codi gasps "I knew it!"

He laughs and continues working, Codi gets up and goes toward her food. All this Zombie fighting has made her hungry.